Crappy Retro 2

Here you can find the first part of this article.

Altered Beast (Mega Drive / 1989)
If you ever had a Mega Drive back in the day, chances are you played Altered Beast because it was long included with the console. But... while it may have been an impressive arcade experience in 1988, the Mega Drive version from the following year felt more like a tired relic at the time. Rigid controls, repetitive gameplay and graphics that never quite did the console justice resulted in a game that quickly became more frustrating than entertaining. Sure, it was an early title and 'Rise from your grave!' has a cult following, but in all honesty, there are far better action games on the platform, and had this not come with the console, we'd never even be talking about it today.

Battle Arena Toshinden (PlayStation / 1995)
When Battle Arena Toshinden was released, it was hailed as the next big thing in the fighting genre, probably thanks in large part to the cool fighters and spectacular graphics. But in retrospect, it's hard to understand why. Even then, the game controls were incredibly arbitrary, the combat clunky and the balance non-existent, with some characters feeling almost unplayable. Compared to contemporaries Virtua Fighter or Tekken, it lacked both depth and fluidity, and the only thing that really impressed was the ability to move in 3D - a gimmick that quickly lost its lustre. Toshinden was never a great game, but it lived for a long time on hype and starving PlayStation gamers who wanted something to show off.

Final Fantasy VIII (PlayStation / 1999)
Final Fantasy VIII may have been a technical achievement when it was released, offering something completely different from the clumsy characters of Final Fantasy VII, but behind that dazzling surface was a role-playing game with unbalanced gameplay and a plot that went off the rails - big time. The Draw system turned battles into a tedious grindfest and today feels completely unbearable, the Junction mechanics completely broke the game, and Squall is one of the series' most charmless protagonists. Sure, the cutscenes impressed and the soundtrack is undeniably fantastic, but as a whole, in retrospect it feels more like an experiment than a worthy sequel to Final Fantasy VII and it's easy to see why Square Enix seems uninterested in doing anything new with it.

Ice Climber(NES / 1986)
Ice Climber may be an NES classic and like Altered Beast, it came with the console, but the truth is it was never very good even when it was released. For lack of anything else, me and my brothers played this over and over again, but honestly... The controls were imprecise even then, the jumps horrible, the collisions frustrating and the set-up monotonous. Popo and Nana are certainly deserving of their cult status gained thanks to Super Smash Bros, but their original game is and was more of a tedious ordeal than a timeless gem. There's a good reason Nintendo never returned to the concept.

Ghosts 'n Goblins(NES / 1989)
Ghosts 'n Goblins has a reputation as an immortal classic, but the truth is that it was mostly brutally difficult in an unfair way, especially on the NES whose hardware couldn't quite cope with the game. Clunky game controls, enemies that appear out of nowhere, a hero that bounces so much from a hit that it often ends in death, and a hopeless weapon system meant that frustration often outweighed pleasure. That the game additionally requires you to pass it twice to get the 'real' ending feels more like a cruel joke than clever design. Sure, it has its charm and iconic music, but in all honesty, it was more agony than joy that we endured because the game was expensive and there wasn't much else.

Turok: Dinosaur Hunter(Nintendo 64 / 1997)
Turok: Dinosaur Hunter was an early 3D shooter that appealed with its unique premise and technological innovations, as well as the ability to shoot dinosaurs with the pig-powered Nintendo 64, but despite this, the game was far from a gem. Controlling Turok felt like driving a truck, the enemies were mostly annoying and not visible until they were standing on your toes as the infamous Nintendo 64 fog meant visibility was only a few metres. It may have impressed technically at launch, but even then we should have seen through it and Turok: Dinosaur Hunter doesn't deserve to be called a timeless classic. It's just nostalgia playing tricks on us all.

Twisted Metal (PlayStation / 1995)
Twisted Metal may have been a new and exciting idea at the time, and my bros and I certainly spent a lot of time playing it. Even then, however, it was hard to shake the feeling that it was actually a better idea than game and far from the revolutionary experience many wanted to make it sound like. None of the vehicles had a vehicular feel, the tracks were consistently dull, and the game suffered from serious balance flaws where certain characters - like Warthog and Sweet Tooth - were totally superior and made the whole experience unfair. In addition, the campaign was lacklustre and the split screen did more damage in this game than in contemporary titles like Goldeneye 007. It simply wasn't as good as we remember it and the concept was ahead of its time. Today, I think Twisted Metal would have a future.